releasing the co-dependent empath pattern: part one

Signs of the Co-dependent Empath pattern:

• Tapping into other people's suffering and feeling responsible for fixing, saving or problem-solving on their behalf, even if they could be empowered to do it for themselves
• Hypervigilance to resolve, pacify or sooth the suffering of others
• Regularly feeling empathic overwhelm in relationships
• Remaining in unhealthy relationships to the detriment of your own integrity and safety
• Compromising your own values, integrity and truth to avoid rocking the boat 
• Excessively putting aside your own interests and needs in order to go along what others want
• Making excuses, minimising, altering or denying how you really feel to maintain the status quo
• Struggling to identify what you genuinely feel in interactions with certain people
• Wearing the mask of 'I'm fine' when you are actually not
• Allowing other people's opinions of you to determine your self-worth
• Repeatedly attracting people who negatively impact you with their issues, addictions, self-focused tendencies or emotional unavailability
• Feeling valued when you fix, help, save or rescue others but frustrated, resentful and angry when it is not reciprocated

The high-volume empathic system of a highly attuned person is often perceived to be a curse. But in actuality, it is an inherent part of our intuitive guidance system that allows us to read between the lines. It alerts us to where we can support healing and transformation by enabling us to pick up on the unseen, including the emotions and repressed issues of other people. Because other people's emotions register directly through our own emotional and empathic systems, it requires us to consciously differentiate our emotional content from other peoples. But this can be a tricky business if our innate gifts of empathy and attunement were mis-used to manage our safety, belonging and self-worth during our childhood years, through patterns like the Co-dependent Empath.  

Without awareness of our childhood survival and esteem-based patterns, and the pro-active conscious release of them, they are likely to travel with us into our adult years and undermine many areas of our lives. In the case of the Co-dependent Empath pattern, it will continue to misunderstand the gifts of our empathy and attunement and sabotage our ability to be honest with ourselves and others. When we meet someone who our Co-dependent Empath pattern perceives as needing our support, that person will meet our Co-dependent Empath, not us. Very sadly this pattern can be so deeply ingrained we wear it like a second skin, thinking it is our true self. But in reality, it is simply a way of manoeuvring in the world that gets in the way of our ability to be honest and genuine in relationship with ourselves and others.

In this article I will focus on the identifying characteristics of the Co-dependent Empath and how it can undermine our ability to be all of who we could potentially be. And Part Two of this article (see link below) will set out a loosely-framed reflective process on how to graciously release this pattern from our life.

The Co-dependent Empath

If your gift of attunement was channelled into taking care of, managing and smoothing over what may have seemed painful, scary, dysfunctional, and perhaps even unjust in your childhood, welcome in the Co-dependent Empath pattern, at your service, Maam. Whilst the experience of intense empathy and empathic overwhelm is generally self-explanatory for those who identify as highly attuned or sensitive, co-dependency is a term used to describe an excessive emotional reliance on others for our self-worth and sense of identity. This can cloud our judgments in relationships, particularly around appropriate boundary setting, leaving us feeling depleted and burnt out, more often than not.

As an empathic temperament we feel everyone in our family and the usefulness of this is to anticipate how to behave for them to like and approve of us. Why? Because we need our parents to be level and present to parent us. If there was drama and dysfunction everywhere, we will feel our family member's unintegrated emotional fields and our unconscious will strategically position us in context to this. With the co-dependent posturing of putting others needs before our own, from a place of ‘you matter more than me’, our template of other-determined self-esteem is naturally born. The "I will only survive if I don't have boundaries' erroneous childhood conviction frames how we value ourselves for the rest of your lives unless we become aware and heal ourselves.

So as much as the Co-dependent Empath pattern may have helped us out and perhaps even saved us in our younger years, it's unlikely to help us now as adults, as we look around our life and wonder why we keep attracting people who NEED us to plug the gaps in their lives. For what was initially experienced as an esteem-boosting 'act of service' to others, can eventually leave us feeling drained out, collapsed and perhaps even resentful and angry.

We can be quick to judge ourselves for ongoingly attracting people who are draining, self-focused, in active addiction, or emotionally unavailable. But the truth is, we didn't! This was, instead, a template set up on our behalf by our unconscious in our earlier years. Its sole purpose was to help us manouevre ourselves in a way that we could get our basic needs met such as our safety, belonging and self-worth. If Mum had unpredictable moods or Dad was depressed, by utilising the Co-dependent Empath pattern, our unconscious was working to manage the situation as best it could, putting our inherent abilities of understanding what other's need, attentive listening skills, and helping, fixing and problem-solving to good use.

Think of it this way, the Co-dependent Empath's view on relationships is 'If you are even-keeled, then I am even-keeled, so I will do everything I can to level you out''. This equates to safety. 

And if we take this a step further: the Codependent Empath also assumes that 'If I can fix/help/rescue you, and you value me for this, then I have found my identity, purpose, belonging and sense of self-worth'.

This way of viewing oneself often stems from erroneous beliefs such as 'If somethings not right, it must be my fault or due to my failings'. And because the Co-dependent Empath staunchly believes these untruths, in it's relentless pursuit to prove its worth through fixing everything, it struggles to rest until its entire environment is at peace. Needless to say, the life of a Co-dependent Empath is stressful and taxing, not to mention exhausting and draining. 

If tip-toeing around people, efforting to make things better for them, and continually peace-keeping choppy interactional waters is a skill used, in excess and without awareness, when this dynamic disappears we will feel uncomfortable and out of place. This is why we continue to return to this familiar dynamic, over and over again, until such a time that we become so imbalanced in ourselves that we have no other option but to re-evaluate and start the process of change (See link below for more on the change process in Part 2 of this article). 

A Personal Example of the Co-dependent Empath

As an example of my own experience of the Co-dependent Empath pattern, I recall a long-term relationship with a man who struggled with depression. His emotional suffering elicited a high level of empathy and compassion in me alongside strong urges to help him feel better. In this sense he was a perfect match for my Co-dependent Empath pattern. I felt energised to think I could help him and initially it appeared that I could. Through the delusional eyes of my Co-dependent Empath we made the 'perfect couple'.

This man also carried the 'blaming anger energy' of a Victim pattern that was often unpredictable and scary. With limited awareness at the time, I followed the potent urges of my Co-dependent Empath to do whatever it took to keep him calm. Upon reflection, this was a life or death situation to my nervous system because if I didn't solve his problems, there was potential for him to leave me, as my psyche was seeing him through the lens of my Wounded Abandoned Child. This was another childhood pattern unconsciously set up through my experiences of abandonment in earlier years. In addition, co-dependency was an intergenerational pattern expressed though the female role models in my family growing up. Basing their safety, worth and identity on their ability to nurture and emotionally provide for others, co-dependency was deeply inbred in me from the get-go, and like so many other women, I knew no different. 

Despite the various communication strategies I tried using during this relationship, it was met with defence, blame and accusations. Only able to see reality through the muddied filters of my Co-dependent Empath and Wounded Child, I took his stories of blame and accusation on as my own, allowing myself to be scapegoated for his unresolved pain. This understandably manifested in my body as physical symptoms.

Interestingly, I often recall seeing a visual in my minds eye of a balloon sitting above his head with a pin pointing towards it, as though it was about to pop, whenever he was close to exploding with anger. This was intuitive visual data, appearing out of the blue that I dismissed at the time, putting it down to my own 'craziness'. At midlife, however, I can confidently say, after many years of tracking my interior landscape, I have noticed that the same imagery emerges for me when I interact with people who have similar tendencies. For this reason I now honour this information for what it is - intuitive data - supporting me to make conscious and sensible choices for myself in my life. (More on intuitive data in Part 2 of this article - see link below)

Attracting people who need me to make them feel better or solve their problems has been a lifelong challenge that I have come to realise has been driven by my Co-dependent Empath pattern. If you can relate to this pattern, it is not your fault, and there is zero-shame in admitting that you have unconscious magnetic attractions (friendship, sexual or otherwise) to people who fulfil your Co-dependent's 'need to be needed' to validate your value as a human.

To highlight the potency of unconscious childhood patterns, they are like biological urges, driven by genetically inherited and conditioning/trauma-induced biochemistry, akin to addiction. What have you done to attract this, Kira?' is the shameful message I have received much of my life, and for anyone in this position, I want to empower you to know that a) it is not your fault and b) you can break these patterns by pro-actively working with your empathic system. Through education we come to understand that our empathic system can assist us to identify who and how we can help, love and support effectively, without hurting ourselves in the process. To finally come to learn that my empathic system was not here to disable me but instead to help heal myself and others, has been a game-changer at every level of my life, and I hope this will be the case for you too. 

From Co-dependent Empathic Overwhelm to Inherent Self-worth

Our esteem is NEVER determined by another. As adults we come to understand that we were born into this world with esteem inherently. We have always been deeply loved and always will be. This wise knowing begins to bubble up as a 'felt sense' experience through regular daily healthy/spiritual practices that allow us to reconnect with ourselves and honour our personal truth in any given moment. From a place of esteem, we begin to say no to the things that hurt us, protecting and re-parenting the fearful younger energy still alive and well inside us.

By beginning to take graceful and gentle steps towards honest expression with ourselves and others, we begin to set up a new energetic template that attracts others who aspire for the same. As we transition from a dependency on others' happiness and wellbeing for our self-worth, to a tranquil self-trust based on knowing our inherent value, we naturally discover a strong, direct, loving and honest voice to gracefully share with others. And as the energetic charge on our Co-dependent Empath begins to subside, those who are meant to be in our life naturally become more visible and those who are not gradually fade away.  ​

In summary:

If you relate to the tendencies of the Co-dependent Empath outlined in this article, in Part Two (see below for link) I will outline a reflective process on how to release this unconscious childhood pattern. By releasing the Co-dependent Empath we support a key skill we need to cultivate as highly attuned, empathic people. This is the skill of differentiation. By disentangling ourselves from our own unconscious projections and patterns from our past, we are better able to appraise our 'here and now' relationship dynamics by discerning what is our 'emotional content' and what is 'other person's'. This helps us to turn down the volume of our empathic overwhelm, remain grounded in our present reality, realistically appraise the situation at hand, and support others effectively, if and when needed.

Taking baby steps to understand our unconscious childhood patterns and their motives not only supports genuine self-expression but also helps hone the skills of our inherent intuitive abilities. As we stop seeing our external reality through our childhood filters we naturally do the same with our intuitive/divine guidance. With increasing levels of open receptivity, non-judgmental curiosity, and seeing through a neutral, grounded lens we have a much higher chance of both detecting and accurately interpreting our intuitive knowing with more ease. This opens the potential for transformation and healing for ourselves and those around us, in ways we may never have imagined possible. The sky becomes the limit :) 

If this article has been helpful, stay tuned. I will continue to post as many articles and videos to support you to better understand your multi-sensory system and cultivate its inherent gifts. 

Thank you for taking the time for reading this and engaging with me on this greatly important topic: the gift that is your high attuned, empathic, multi-sensory system :)  

Link to Part Two of this article: https://www.counsellingtauranga.co.nz/blog/releasing-our-co-dependent-empath-part-two

For more information on the Tracker (as mentioned above): https://www.counsellingtauranga.co.nz/blog/the-intuitively-perceptive-multi-sensory-body

For more information on childhood survival and esteem-based patterns: ​https://www.counsellingtauranga.co.nz/blog/from-fate-to-destiny-using-archetypal-awareness